


Backspace

by tsunderei



Series: Kagehina Post-Timeskip Reunion [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Brazil Arc, Companion Piece, Confessions, Getting Together, Light Angst, Light Novel Spoilers, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Pining, Post-Time Skip, Pro Volleyball Player Hinata Shouyou, Pro Volleyball Player Kageyama Tobio, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:41:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27960944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsunderei/pseuds/tsunderei
Summary: A selection of messages that Hinata wrote to Kageyama but never sent.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Series: Kagehina Post-Timeskip Reunion [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2047772
Comments: 24
Kudos: 207





	Backspace

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a sequel or a prequel, but rather a companion piece to ["The Cure for You (is You)"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22375894), so I really recommend reading that first if you haven’t already. Everything just reads better when you have the whole context imo. Thank you and I hope you enjoy!

_I won’t grow faster than it takes._

Hinata should be thriving in this endless wide-open space, basking in a sun that seems to be hanging much closer to the earth in this part of the world than it does anywhere else. Or maybe the sun is just bigger here, a swelling heavenly body keeping an eye on him and his progress. It’s the kind of sun that bends his neck, forces him to bow down until he’s facedown in the sand.

He _is_ thriving, though, objectively. Sure there are adjustment issues and cultural shocks and communication problems, but it’s a whole different country. It’s not like he didn’t expect it; in fact, he spent over a year preparing for it. He knew he’d be the odd one out and that he’d have no choice but to adapt. Besides, he wanted to be here, fought to be here, and now he has arrived here. ‘Here’ being a beach that burns the soles of his feet, under a sun that scorches his back.

The shadows are comfortable but fleeting, only appearing in patches that must be constantly chased, jumping from place to place with the pace of the clock. The sunlight always creeps in through the smallest cracks and crevices, and in the shade of his bedroom Hinata’s tanned skin gains an almost bluish tint. He’s much tanner than Kageyama now, and Kageyama wasn’t super tan to begin with.

Everything has been flipped on its head. Even the smell of air salonpas doesn’t linger, not like the heavy scent of sunscreen does. He leaves and comes home smelling like sunscreen. He dusts himself off only to apply a new layer. It makes him sticky to the touch.

Hinata picks at the dry, peeling skin on his shoulders. It’ll stay pinkish red for a little while before turning bronze. Maybe he should look into buying some aloe vera, to soothe the soreness. He thinks an aloe vera plant would look nice on his desk, next to the succulent that’s already there. The succulent is green and prickly, and the only reason he bought it was because it reminded him of Kageyama. It was sitting by itself on a shelf, the only one left of its kind, surrounded by other colorful, flamboyant flowers. At first it had reminded Hinata of himself, except he’s not prickly. Kageyama is. At least he used to be.

He pulls on a shirt to cover his red shoulders, grabs his phone, and flops onto his bed. He’s willing to bet Kageyama doesn’t have any plants in his room at all.

_You need sunscreen??? I bought lots on sale but I think it’s too much LOL. I guess they’ll make good Christmas presents, two years from now… Anyways hope you’re doing well_ |

 _You need sunscreen??? I bought lots on sale but I think it’s too much LOL. I guess they’ll make good Christmas presents, two ye_ |

 _You need_ |

|

**

Figuring out what to have for dinner every single day is kind of a pain. In fact, Hinata thinks it’s one of the hardest challenges of living alone.

He takes his diet very seriously. He buys his meat and vegetables fresh, always checks the nutrition labels, and rarely splurges on snacks and soft drinks (unless it’s the weekend). He even makes sure to keep his packaging waste to a minimum. But there are seven days a week, which means he has to come up with seven reasonably varied meals, over and over for a full year. Rinse and repeat. It’s a lot of work, not only living alone but also living like an athlete.

On days when he’s particularly sick of lean meat and vegetables, he’s tempted to ask Kageyama for dinner suggestions. He probably prepares most of his food himself, he’s already used to paying attention to stuff like nutrition and calories, but he’s also entered the professional leagues. He can seek advice and ideas from other experienced teammates, not to mention coaches and nutritionists. Hinata wonders if anyone on Kageyama’s new team ever cooks for him, or if they meet up every once in a while to make dinner together. He knows Ushijima’s there, and Hoshiumi, too. Maybe they all hang out in their spare time, not only during practice and training camps. Maybe they’re all really good friends, a tight-knit team.

Hinata frowns at the two cauliflowers he’s weighing in his hands, his stomach flipping for no good reason, before he puts one of them into his basket. Should he just buy some chicken and have stir-fry tonight? But he made stir-fry no more than two or three days ago… Then, what else goes well with cauliflower? Beef?

He takes his phone out as he floats aimlessly from aisle to aisle, searching for inspiration. He checks Kageyama’s social media account, which unsurprisingly hasn’t been updated in the last two weeks. Ushijima turns out to be even more inactive, which Hinata finds amusing considering how he’s got the biggest following out of all of them. Hoshiumi on the other hand updated his feed no more than twelve hours ago. His recent post is a chaotic grid of food pictures taken under different lighting and during different stages of consumption, and both Ushijima’s and Kageyama’s usernames have been tagged in the caption, along with the knife and fork emoji.

Huh.

So they do hang out.

Well, of course they do. They’re teammates. Bonding and all that. And what’s a setter anyway if he doesn’t have a good relationship with his hitters.

Coincidentally, Hoshiumi’s depicted meal also appears to be stir-fry. Hinata shrugs to himself and drifts towards the meat department. Stir-fry it is, then.

_What’d you have for dinner? Pretty sure I’m a better cook than you! Anyway, how’s your new team? I can’t even spell the name LOL can you??? Bet you can’t! I know you’d never struggle with volleyball but I kinda wish you’d struggle just a little bit without me heh… Say hello to Ushijima-san and Hoshiumi-san from me!_ |

 _What’d you have for dinner? Pretty sure I’m a better cook than you! Anyway, how’s your new team? I can’t even spell the name LOL can you??? Bet you can’t! I know you’d nev_ |

 _What’d you_ |

|

**

Meeting _Oikawa_ , of all people, in _Brazil_ , of all places, was unexpected to say the least.

In the end it turned out to be a nice encounter with some beach volleyball included. Hinata had fun watching the Grand King eat dirt more than a couple of times (both literally and figuratively), plus he got a good meal and a conversation out of it.

It’s always welcome to see a familiar face, especially after a terrible day, but Oikawa is a blast from the past more than anything.

Hinata is mostly reminded of his high school days, of a time when making it to nationals was the biggest obstacle in his path and he really needed his partner by his side to even make progress. Those days have long since passed and he’s left to make progress on his own.

He has to admit he’s a little annoyed that Kageyama never mentioned Oikawa had joined the Argentinian league. Surely, as a fellow pro-player Kageyama would know these things. They really haven’t caught up on anything in such a long time and he’s the last one to know, only finding out by chance, through a throwback. He’s kind of hurt.

Oikawa casually mentions the Olympics but Hinata doesn’t really want to think about it. Or – he _does_ think about it, no matter how hard he tries to resist. His brain seems to be wired that way, forever fine-tuned to Kageyama’s frequency, even though they’re too far apart to pick up on each other’s signals. Hinata can’t tell if he’s being arrogant or just clueless, but Oikawa suggests meeting up with Kageyama like it’s such an easy thing to do. He clearly has no idea of the depth of their history or the importance of their partnership. He doesn’t really know what kind of promises they made or how muddy the waters are surrounding that promise.

Maybe he’s being petty but there’s a part of him that wanted to take that selfie with Oikawa in hopes of Kageyama seeing it. He figured there was a chance it’d rustle some feathers over there in Japan and maybe even make him a little bit jealous.

What he actually gets in response is one word: _why?_

Because of course. It’s Kageyama. It’s the typical one-word reaction he should’ve expected from him. It doesn’t betray any sort of emotion and he probably doesn’t even care, but he still hopes there’s a bitter sting of longing and jealously behind that word.

It’s not fair that Hinata is the only one who has to deal with these feelings.

_What’d you mean WHY? Is that all you can say?? Hehe bet you wish you were here right now huh? It was fun playing with Oikawa-san but it’s not the same as playing with you_ |

 _What’d you mean WHY? Is that all you can say?? Hehe bet you wish you were here right now huh? It was fun pl_ |

 _What’d you mean_ |

|

**

He ends up catching a glimpse of him, despite his attempts at avoiding him.

Hinata isn’t completely ignorant. He has seen the preparations of the city, the big billboards going up by the freeway, the construction sites working day and night, the news always reminding him. It’s a very big deal. It’s not like he didn’t know what was coming. So he tried to take his precautions. He made sure to decline when his boss asked if he wanted to go. For good measure he accepted extra shifts and gave himself excuses as to why he couldn’t make it, told himself it wouldn’t look good on a new employee to ask for time off so soon.

But it doesn’t matter what he does. He’s there anyway, right in front of his eyes.

Hinata has lived here for barely two months; he’s still trying to memorize street names and short cuts, not to mention the language. He hasn’t settled yet, not by a long shot. Seeing him so suddenly in a moment where he’s unsuspecting simply knocks him off balance. His bike tilts, veers off to the side, and he has no choice but to stop in the gutter.

A little piece of home has made it to Rio, displayed on the TV-screen in a sports bar, wearing the Japanese national team jersey, hitting a serve in a live Olympic broadcast. It seems Hinata can’t ever escape this guy. It’s not fair, honestly.

Kageyama looks familiar but different. He’s still nineteen, still a teenager, but he’s obviously grown over the last year or so. He’s a little broader and a little taller. His jawline is sharper, his smile easier, his expressions clearer, more confident. His serve is a no-touch ace and he raises his fist in victory, the camera zooming in on his sweaty face before he disappears in a swirl of other red jerseys. There are a lot of emotions behind that clenched fist, a lot of determination and hard work, and Hinata feels all of it, too.

He really is _so_ close but so far away.

He watches for no more than a few minutes but his thoughts are racing. By the time he starts pedaling away they have already racked up in the hundreds, maybe thousands. It’s not just Kageyama on that stage. There are so many other professional volleyball players out there; so many other guys his age, maybe even younger, who have long since passed him on the journey and crushed his personal goals. Hinata knows he’s not alone in his desire to reach the top and Kageyama just so happens to be the one he’s looking up at. He’s the one he’s chasing after.

It seems he’s always chasing after Kageyama.

When he gets home and checks his phone the group chat is already enthusiastically gushing over Kageyama’s achievements, complete with screenshots and video clips. For once, Hinata wishes they wouldn’t. It hurts being on this side of the conversation instead of the other end. He’s not even eligible for the national team at his current level – and that’s also one of the reasons why he can’t face his former partner.

Hinata has a promise to fulfill and right now that promise is the only thing that ties them together. If he doesn’t achieve his volleyball goals then he doesn’t have any reason to seek him out. It’s that simple but also that painful.

_Hey I saw you on TV! Congrats on making it to the Olympics!! Don’t get lost in Rio and don’t get too comfortable. I’ll make sure to beat you soon! Wait for me_ |

 _Hey I saw you on TV! Congrats on making it to the Olympics!! Don’t get lost in Rio and don’t get too comfortable. I’ll make sure t_ |

 _Hey I_ |

|

**

They always used to say that they _weren’t_ friends.

Hinata can’t help but wonder what they actually are, if he even occupies a special place in Kageyama’s heart at all or if he’s just another person floating around in the general orbit of his life.

They always gave off an impression of being very close, despite not spending a lot of time together outside of the court. Hinata was part of other friend groups whose paths didn’t necessarily intersect with Kageyama’s, and they never bothered to discuss their future plans with each other. Hinata _knew_ that Kageyama would join the V.League, much in the same way Kageyama knew he was headed off to Brazil. There was never an actual conversation around it because why would they, if they weren’t interested in hanging out?

Still, everyone else always spoke of them as a duo. Rarely would they mention one without bringing up the other. The freak combo, attached at the hip. So obviously friends, too – right?

Hinata has no idea why they so stubbornly insisted they weren’t. It’s almost like they couldn’t settle on what they wanted so they ended up doing nothing about it. And they were never actually _un_ friendly with each other on a daily basis so they kind of just shrugged it off and left it like that.

Yachi once told him that by definition they’d probably be considered friends, because only people who are very good friends can act the way they do. Good friends confidently make separate plans because they know their paths will cross in the future. Good friends leave a lot up to the universe because the universe is on their side. They don’t _have_ to talk about it because their relationship transcends the need for it.

Hinata’s not so sure about that. That kind of relationship seems flimsy, too reliant on other factors out of their control. It’s like trying to hold water in your cupped palms; sooner or later you’ll end up empty-handed, no matter how careful you are.

He stares at his phone as the screen dims. If they were closer, like _best friends_ close, they probably would be texting and calling each other regularly. Maybe they’d be video chatting right now. Sure, they keep in touch through the group chat but the group chat consists of a handful other people and the feed is just a stream of random updates, rather than a proper one-to-one conversation.

Kageyama barely contributes to it anyway. He’s too busy to bother and has better things to do. Hinata knows.

_Isn’t it funny how there’s an entire ocean between us but I can still reach you if I want to? I can call or text any time. I want to but I also don’t want to. Am I weird? Maybe I’m just sad. Do you ever feel that way about me?_ |

 _Isn’t it funny how there’s an entire ocean between us but I can still reach you if I want to? I can call or text any time. I want to but I also don’t w_ |

 _Isn’t it funny_ |

|

**

Missing Kageyama is different. Hinata doesn’t even miss his family the way he misses Kageyama.

It’s not about the intensity of the feeling or how frequently it bothers him. He doesn’t need anybody to constantly hold his hand or accompany him everywhere. Kageyama may have so many others right now but Hinata is living well and having fun here in Rio regardless. He has many others, too.

It would be nice, though – to share his meditation routine with someone who cares, or have someone familiar sit next to him on the bus, or talk about volleyball with someone equally as crazy about it as he is. It’s about closing the gaps and filling the empty spaces. It’s the subtle things that make a whole difference. Only Kageyama seems to fit that exact role.

Hinata bites absently on a hangnail as he watches Heitor and Nice cut their wedding cake. He tastes the tangy salt of his skin before realizing the hangnail shouldn’t even be there in the first place. He pouts at his thumb, the crease along his nail pink and sore. He better take care of it, lest it becomes infected. Kageyama would call him an idiot if he knew he wasn’t staying on top of simple things like this. He can almost hear him yelling.

Missing Kageyama is like having a hangnail. It’s something that snags on his consciousness; something that annoys him more than it upsets him. He’s lightly treading the border between heartbreak and surrender. His feelings are a fragile thing, stored inside a box that says ‘this side up’, a container he can’t afford to break.

If it does break, Hinata is afraid he might end up resenting Kageyama. And he doesn’t want to resent someone who’s not only his motivation but also his goal, his competition, his yearning, his vanishing point. How is he supposed to hold a single person who means so much in his mind all at once?

The wedding enters the late after-party hours and he’s greeting the blurry bottom of his fourth (or maybe fifth?) glass of champagne. He fumbles clumsily with his phone, types out a message, and almost ends up hitting send.

_What if I told u I miss u? Not like I miss Natsu or my parents or the volleyball club – but just you? I MISS YOU!!1! If I said that would you find it bothersome? Would u think it was weird or gross?? I don’t think it’s weird or gross. I just miss you_ |

 _What if I told u I miss u? Not like I miss Natsu or my parents or the volleyball club – but just you? I MISS YOU!!1! If I said that would you find it bothers_ |

 _What if_ |

|

**

Hinata isn’t sure what to do, standing on a dark street in Tokyo after so long.

He feels bad for ambushing Kageyama like this, without warning. He was kind of ready to receive an angry mouthful and a head squeeze – but his former partner had been unusually soft-spoken, his blue eyes wide with confusion, his movements hesitant and unsure. His warm hands had lingered almost admiringly on Hinata’s shoulders when he signed the Adlers jersey for him, and overall he just seems a bit dumfounded by the whole situation. Hinata can’t really blame him.

Honestly, if he wants to catch the last train back to his temporary room at Kenma’s then he should seriously hurry. He doesn’t really have the time to be walking Kageyama home at this late hour. He probably shouldn’t have headed out in the first place.

But he needs to stay here. It’s simple. If he makes the MSBY-team as planned then he won’t be living in Tokyo for much longer; he’ll have to move to Osaka. Word on the street also says Kageyama has signed with an Italian team, starting from next year. So Hinata _needs_ to stay here. If he leaves now then everything might slip through his fingers again and it’ll be too late. He’ll have to go through the same thing all over again and he can’t bear it.

He clutches the signed jersey in his hands, wrings it tightly in his clammy fists, feeling a little pathetic. Truth is he would’ve stayed here with Kageyama even if it meant sleeping on the sidewalk, but he can’t look at him right now. Kageyama just asked him why he hadn’t come to watch any of his Olympic matches in person and he had sounded hurt. Hinata finds it too overwhelming, having this conversation face-to-face.

So he confesses with his back turned away. He carried his unsent messages all the way from Rio to Tokyo, keeping them saved in his memory for two years, and it’s the neon sign above his head that receives them first. With trembling hands he takes his phone out, once again typing out a message, this time at Kageyama’s request.

_I’m so in love with you I can’t stand it_ |

Hinata turns around to face the person he’s been chasing for so long and hopes his message finally reaches him.

_If I’ve lost this many times when will I win?_

**Author's Note:**

> Intro/end lyrics taken from ["Oh Love"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDDwmCn_Qm4) by Emilie Nicolas~
> 
> Tbh I was only inspired to write this because that whole entire song is basically a perfect post-timeskip Kagehina song from Hinata’s pining perspective and I thought you all might wanna put it on your Kagehina playlists lol


End file.
